The Andrew Extravaganza

From a story about Whole Foods' decision to discontinue sale of live lobsters based on the 'inhumane' fate of being boiled alive, a PETA jackass offered the following quote:

"The ways that lobsters are treated would warrant felony cruelty to animals charges if they were dogs or cats," said Bruce Friedrich, a spokesman for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

The next time these crazy fucks produce a reasonable quote will be the first. These people fail to recognize degrees of cruelty; it's all worse than the Holocaust to them.

His quote is equivalent to saying you shouldn't ride horses because, "The ways that horses are treated would warrant felony cruelty to animals charges if they were dogs or cats." And if my aunt had gnads she'd be my uncle. Horses are made for riding. Lobsters are made for eating. Dogs and cats are made for pampering and being treated better than a third world kid.

Even if you think lobsters are being treated inhumanely, the trump card is that they're delicious. When it comes to animals, you can always play the, "If God didn't want us to eat ____, then he wouldn't have made them so tasty" card. Ball game.

I once saw Iron Chef Morimoto make drunken lobster: he placed the lobsters in a stock pot full of sake for about thirty minutes before boiling the little bastards alive in some water. I wonder if that is better or worse? I tend to think getting them shitfaced is more humane. In Last of the Mohicans, if those red devils had given that British dude a fifth of fire water then I'm pretty sure Daniel Day-Lewis wouldn't have felt a need to humanely put a bullet in his head.

Would it suck if a human were treated like the lobsters in the grocery store? Absolutely. But lobsters aren't human and they don't have the same mental capacity, or even a capacity to feel pain that's in the same ballpark as humans, cats, or dogs.

PETA is an organization worse than Al-Qaeda. Ask the average American what they'd miss more: the Twin Towers or a succulent lobster tail with clarified butter (or rather a heaping pile of spicy boiled crawfish for the blue collar bunch). I think you can figure out where I stand. The NSA needs to focus all of their illegal call monitoring capabilities to root out those PETA bastards and send them to Gitmo. That ought to give them a taste of how it is to live life like the animals they apparently hold in higher esteem than humans.

I got a little bit worked up in that rant, so let me clarify: pressure from PETA is not responsible for Whole Foods' decision, so they aren't to blame. But couldn't that PETA rep have just said, "We're pleased with Whole Foods' decision," and went on his way? Are they required to spew over-the-top rhetoric at every available opportunity? Maybe it's just a game like the highway guys in Super Troopers: equating a lobster boil with felony cruelty is for them what saying 'meow' ten times in one traffic stop was to the highway patrolmen. Good one guys. You really had me going. For a second I was worried you actually believed the crap that comes flying out of your mouthes on a regular basis.

And for what it's worth, I think Whole Foods is being stupid, but I understand the decision, considering their clientele and corporate philosophy. This is one small step forward for animal rights, but it's one giant leap backward for mankind.

Nice rant. The picture was also a nice touch.

"And if my aunt had gnads she'd be my uncle. Horses are made for riding. Lobsters are made for eating. Dogs and cats are made for pampering and being treated better than a third world kid."

This paragraph is solid gold.

And in Andrew style, I'll point out you have a typo on your spelling of "philosphy." [Andrew says: Thanks for pointing that out; it's fixed. I edit my blog stuff much more strenuously than forums posts, but sometimes mistakes slip through the cracks. Also to blame was the fact that I wrote most of this on the forums rather than in Word; spell check is a crutch I lean on often.]

What about Mr. Pinchy

Excellent work Drew. I disagree with you, but writing is amusing as always.

I'm not sure what you disagree with G, but I can assure you that your opinion is wrong. But I'm glad I amused you at least.

I enjoyed your post Andrew. Also, I'm willing to throw the hell down on a lobster ANY day of the week.

Excellent rant. I enjoy reading your blog posts Andrew.

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