The Andrew Extravaganza

Link to my article on the 2008 Smack-Off
Link to my article on the 2007 Smack-Off
Link to my History of the Smack-Off page, full of audio files

I wrote yesterday that it was one of the best events ever. Now with a little distance from the calls, I'd probably downgrade that assessment; 2005, 2004, and maybe even 2003 were better. This year was deep in that a lot of calls were good and really close together, but outside of Greg in Vegas there weren't many calls that will hold up as legendary Smack-Off calls.

Speaking of Greg in Vegas, he got absolutely robbed. As much as the next guy, I think Sean the Cablinasian is a brilliant caller, but Greg's call was a notch above; it was a densely packed group of obscure and unsavory references, his best call ever.

Here is how I ranked the field, it was pretty close to how the XR4Ti crew ranked it:
1. Greg in Vegas
2. Sean the Cablinasian
3. Joe in the OC
4. Iafrate
5. Rachel in Houston
6. Bill in Knoxville
7. Terrence in Sierra Madre
8. Casey in Vegas
9. Steve Carbone
10. Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix
11. Silk
12. Justin in Boise
13. John from C-Town
14. Jeff in Richmond
DNF Oliver in St. Louis (good call)
DNF Orrin in Denver (good effort, but rambled)

Official Jungle results:
1. Sean the Cablinasian
2. Greg in Vegas
3. Joe in the OC
4. Iafrate
5. Rachel in Houston
6. Terrence in Sierra Madre
7. Bill in Knoxville
8. Steve Carbone
9. Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix
10. Jeff in Richmond

Quick Stats Recap:
16 total callers
2 buzzers
5 former winners called
4 1st hour calls
7 2nd hour calls
5 3rd hour calls
Winner came from the 2nd hour (2-1 odds)
Winner should have come from the 1st hour (6-1 odds)

Now for the call by call recap:

1.1 Jeff in Richmond
“And Jim, let me first of all say what a pleasure it is Jim, to once again step on the grandest stage in this industry with all the legitimate Jungle legends (and Orrin from Denver). And be given the opportunity Jim to compete with the best of the best (and Orrin from Denver) for the most coveted prize in all of sports talk radio. Make no mistake clones, this is the Smack-Off. And trust me Jim, the Smack-Off is more prominent in the sports world than Janet Jackson’s headlight at the Super Bowl two years ago. Winning the Smack-Off title Jim is more highly respected than Derek Jeter’s little black book, well maybe not that highly respected Jim, but you know what I’m saying.”

“Some callers play the game, some callers change the way the game is played.”

“When your target audience Jim is the biggest gaggle of misfits in the history of sports talk radio, when your target audience Jim is more dysfunctional than a Jerry Springer green room, you have to take that into consideration in your presentation.”

He went on and on. He talked about some UNC frat guys tea-bagging Duke baller Reggie Love after he got drunk and passed out in enemy territory; that was funny, but the bottom line is Jeff sucks. His WWE style takes too much time, he doesn’t have many good one-liners, and he really doesn’t say much; four and a quarter minutes of wasted Smack-Off time.

2.1 Rachel in Houston
“Those same losers that were on The Mom trying to keep me out have now congregated and moved their hater campaign headquarters over to Stucknut. Jim, when those unsavory degenerate idiots aren’t laying around the basement fighting over what frame of the porn flick to freeze, they’re actually stroking each other to come up with the most original ‘R’ names, you know: Raenthal, Rasputin, Rudolph, we’ve heard them all Jim, how mundane. Memo to all of you intellectually bankrupt inbreds, no your role and play it; don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

“Here’s a little haiku for your message board: Smack-Off invites none, pathetic punks at Stucknut, Rachel three scoreboard.”

She talked about the Texans’ draft. She got off on Justin in Boise and Bill in Knoxville. Very angry, very solid, but not enough to win in any year.

There was a great reaction email from Todd near Lexington: “I thought this contest was for amateur callers only, why is James Earl Jones allowed to participate? War Rachel putting away a whole box of sugar cubes if she wins.”

3.1 Orrin in Denver
One of two guys to flame out, but it wasn’t a Don in NoCal sized epic flame out so he’ll be able to show his face in the Jungle again.

“Much like Jeff in Richmond, I too am an entrepreneur, I mean why not? I’ve got my, let’s call it a market research firm and I have dissected every Smack-Off winning call, input the data, and the calls worthy of securing the ultimate prize contain the following:”

That idea formed the structure for his call, it was a nice idea, but he got carried away and rambled. His formula: straight sports take, socially aware sports take, the well crafted clone on clone assault, buzzer.

4.1 Greg in Vegas
This was a brilliant call, but had so many great lines I could never do it justice in writing. Here are some highlights (almost a complete transcript really):

“Let me add some civility to the discourse here, I like that last call, I like Orrin, I liked him better the first time when he was called Kerwin.”

“Hey Jeff in Richmond, are you under some sort of pressure to call in and regurgitate the same call you’ve been running since the first time you called the show? Is this like that TV show Lost, where if you don’t run weak smack every 108 minutes the show blows up? Jeff, you and your 15 and ¾ inch echo need to freshen up the act or at least move from WWE resets to Ultimate Fighting phrases ‘cuz the octagon is where it’s at these days dude.”

“I don’t want to say Josh Towers [pitcher for the Blue Jays] is over, but maybe he should take a page from Roger Clemens and start giving his kids names beginning with ‘L’.”

“And John [from C-Town], thanks for going Tragic the Myopian, Kiss, Keith Jackson on us
with your self-imposed retirement. I understand you’re no longer living in Cleveland, what happened? Not enough pharmacies in C-Town? Did the local females start checking their drinks when your trail of slime hit the bar? Hey, if you’ve got any eligibility left I hear the Duke lacrosse team is looking for a couple of recruits.”

“Props to the Houston Texans for taking Charles Spencer, tackle out of Pittsburgh in the third round. That’s the guy to help you turn the corner, 351 pounds, allegedly. Even if he does look like Eric Gregg ate James Toney. You better hope that David Carr doesn’t get caught in his gravitational field and turn into a moon. I heard that Spencer’s draft value went down when Luke Skywalker tried to blow him up with an X-Wing. I don’t want to say Spencer is fat, but he makes T-Rodge look like Alan Wiggins.

“Now, according to Jim, half of you people loved that last take, the other half of you hated it. You know, every Smack-Off I split my own vote because 50 percent of you graduated high school while the rest of you get frustrated after 20 minutes of Googling my takes to try and figure it out and then e-mail to say you’re offended. Last time I checked, this is the Jungle. It’s not your job’s annual gender and racial sensitivity training class. So unless Cade McNown just stole your parking space, sit back and enjoy this call guilt free. Because what exactly do you people do when the host utters those haunting words, ‘let’s see, taking a look at my screen, I got Salt Lake, Portland, Crapchester, Knoxville, Well lookey here, it’s Greg in Vegas.’ Do you cover your ears? Do you turn the radio down until you hear the hammer that inevitably ends my call followed by the host conflicted on whether to run me or rack me? Of course you don’t. You invite the neighbors over and start pouring iced tea because you hypocrites love your three minute trip to the dark side starring me as your cruise director. Oh and I wonder audibly if Kirby Puckett’s glass eye was the one part of him that withstood the crematory furnace, or if Rocky Mountain Outfitters charge Aaron Ralston for a pair of gloves, I know I’m not alone. What do you mean you can’t give us a thumb print Mr. Alston? Credit is denied. And please stop waving those fireplace tongs at me. You know that the first thing you did when you heard that Earl Woods went from the gravy train to the gravy hearse was hit Napster to see if I had already released a Niems inspired remix Tiger’s Dad. And you also know that if Rome’s favorite sport Nascar, ever sponsors a race in Hawaii, I’d call for Bethany Hamilton to drop the ceremonial first puck, afterall, every Sunday those cars move just like she swims. And let me give you a scenario, when you read a wire story about a guy doing crystal meth and hacking off his own junk so he can compete in the Preakness as a gelding, or when you hear about a mudslide in some third world country, do you search the satellite for the raw carnage video, or do you scratch a check to the Red Cross? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Thank you, Greg in Vegas, top of the arc, swish.”

He had some more, but that was the meat of the call. So many great lines, how is that not the obvious winner?

5.1 Terrence in Sierra Madre
I want to see Terrence win as much as the next average clone, but Terrence decided to go personal old school by making a shaky Smack-Off call this year. He even went old school with several OJ resets out of the gate.

“Does [John Daly] go to the beach to swim or feed on plankton? Dude’s shadow goes two-fitty.”

He took a big shot at Iafrate, going so far as playing a clip of a old Iafrate Smack-Off call in which Iafrate says Aldous Huxley wrote 1984. In his call in the third hour, Iafrate refuted Terrence’s claim, saying it was an intentional mistake as a joke on the uneducated clones; I’m giving Iafrate the benefit of the doubt on this one, talk about your all time backfires Terrence. “Spin that dumbass. To quote Phil Jackson, ‘you f’ing deserved it.’”

“Where’s your shine box? Go get your f’ing shine box Iafrate.”

5.2 Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix
Jeff’s Smack-Off calls typically one of two way: 1) He calls his shot only to flameout and get the hammer dropped on him, or 2) He calls his shot only to finish outside the top ten. This year he broke the mold and made his best call ever.

“Matt in Denver, dude, good job working the bubble. I mean, that brown liquid uncomfortable feeling, that’s going to leave a mark. First of all what you need to do is, you need to do is cut your name out of the waist band of those skivvies and dispose of them in another neighborhood and go ahead an accept that mime scholarship to Denver Community College.”

“Props to that kid [Joe in the OC]. He’s got probably a dozen baseball cards clothes-pinned to the spokes of his Huffy, making that really cool clickety clack sound. And we may crack on him, but he’s boys with Zach and Cody, scoreboard.”

Jeff’s call was cut short by Romey when he decided Jeff’s call wasn’t a potential winner and decided to go to commercial on time rather than adjust the clock.

6.1 Casey in Vegas
This call was well below the level of Casey’s 2004 and 2005 calls. He ran a lot of sports takes, but nothing was particularly funny or original. He ran some Preston Wilson windmill smack, came up with a Surreal Life roommates based on infamous sports figures.

“Why does Jay Cutler look like Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber.”

6.2 Joe in the OC
“Don’t worry Rachel, I’ve got your back…and when I get done shaving that I’ll start on your knuckles.”

“For some reason I’m drawn to the buzzer like Isaiah Thomas to a selfish scorer with a bloated contract. It’s as if I’m compelled by some invisible power to say the inappropriate. When a story like the Navy rape scandal happens, I don’t care who’s on steroids or whose mom has cancer, I have to work in the expression Naval semen. I can hear the buzzer in my head before I say it, but the take still comes like Stan Brooks around free publicity. And much like that little voice in Steve Garvey’s head that tells him, ‘you don’t need to use protection, besides, it’s not like you ever won’t be able to afford child support.’ A voice in my head says, ‘Hey, Ralph Sampson’s behind on his child support, tell Rome it’s because they don’t make condoms for a guy 7’4” and a buck twenty.’ And Wham. I get hit with the buzzer like Pedro Guerrero on family feud.”

“Hell, I’ll even wear a Calvin Murphy throwback, I don’t care that he brought ruphies to a father-daughter dance.”

7.1 Sean the Cablinasian
Good call, but not his best, certainly not better than Greg in Vegas.

“When I get number four [Smack-Off wins] today, I can tell you right now it will be better than sex with George Karl’s wife.”

“And Shawn Marion, Michael J. Fox called from the Teen Wolf set; he wants his jumper back.”

On Barry Bonds, “when air traffic controls have to gameplan around the times when you may be standing up, that’s not good.”

“Memo to coach K’s merry band of future assistant coaches, please, for the love of God, stop making love to each other after every old-fashioned three point play. And yes, I’m looking right at you Greg Paulus, you little freak. Look, just because your boy Melchionni makes the basket and the foul doesn’t mean you need to treat his leg like a 12 year old boy treats the jungle gym.”

“I hate people who say Brian Cashman has the hardest job in sports. I’m not saying GM of the Yankees is not a hard job, but please, give me a break. The guy has like the biggest payroll in sports, great seats to every Yankee game, a seven figure salary. People think his job is hard because it looks like he has two chocolate covered donuts around his eyes and because he has this perpetual look on his face like he just saw C.C. Sabathia getting out of the shower.”

“If your brother looks like Ron Jeremy and you’re considered the ugly one, maybe time to get that face transplant Jeff.”

8.1 Steve Carbone
Not his best effort, but pretty good.

“If he [Sean the Cablinasian] takes home a fourth title today, you know he’s rounding up the kiddies and heading straight to Applebee’s, they’re going to have the feast of all feasts, and then Seanie and Wifey are going to have to start working on number four. Is it really fair that we subject Wifey Cablinasian to nine months of labor for fourteen seconds of heavy breathing?”

“Why are Kobe and Kwame constantly going back-door, they really seem to like that play.”

8.2 Justin in Boise
Justin was the second of two rookie participants to make it in; his call went pretty well but was borderline too blatant a take reading.

Justin took a run at the Cablinasian for forgetting that he’s a clone. The smack was weak and coming from a rookie had about zero credibility; you need a bit more Jungle equity before you can take a run at the best caller ever.

Justin was ended by the music going into the top of the hour break; I didn’t find any of his lines memorable enough to quote. But it was a decent debut call.

9.1 Iafrate
He started his call by getting off on how pathetic it is for Final Four teams to celebrate their 4th place finishes and made the point that outside of he and the Cablinasian, that’s what every Smack-Off participant is doing, playing for the bronze medal.

“While on the topic of fourth place Jim, and given today’s proceedings, it appears that I am forced to beat that little tetherball Terrence around the pole some more. I mean in the future friend, I am begging you not to make me do this, alright?” “I am not going to waste the time explaining why pairing Aldous Huxley with 1984 when imitating clones was a rather deliberate choice. I’m just happy to know that the desired affect was achieved: I made you laugh Jim and I confused the living hell out of Terrence and his legion of losers. Okay Terrence, I am grateful, I mean how often does a Smack-Off participant get ironclad confirmation that his material is working? You spent a year toiling over that clever retort? Thanks genius.”

Still on Terrence, “Let me assure you of one thing, I have no archive of your phone calls. I don’t remember much of what you said today.”

“Terrence, we took you in, we gave you a home man. We rescued you from the torment of the middle school playground. That’s Samaritan enough, don’t get greedy.”

He ended with a great impression of Terrence being interviewed by Jim after winning, Iafrate’s evidence that there is zero chance Jim will ever let him win. Terrence was dominant subject of his call.

10.1 Silk in Huntington Beach
“The only thing Greg in Vegas knows more about than being politically incorrect is heavy metal and strippers.”

“I’m the Rodney Dangerfield of the Jungle, I get zero respect. Even the year I won the Smack-Off, I didn’t know until after the show and I wasn’t able to accept my award on the air because the affiliate went to Dodger pre-game. That’s okay, I know my role.”

On Charles Barkley and his gambling problem, “If explaining your non-problem sounds like Kenny Smith explaining a labor impasse, you actually have a problem.”

The call was basically Silk’s standard weekly call, he knows his role and didn’t try to jerk one out of the yard. The result? His standard unranked finish, but he never embarrasses himself.

10.2 Bill in Knoxville
He had to play himself back in this year, but he proved he was worthy by really bringing it.

“Hey Snorrin in Denver, nice one intelligent humorous call to the Jungle buddy a few months ago. Now do us all a big favor, quit riding shotgun on the garbage truck and get behind the wheel okay?” “Andy Rooney thinks your takes are slow.”

“Let’s be real, the only women’s professional sport that deserves any air time other than local cable access is beach volleyball, because at least those chicks shave their pits.”

In an ill-advised run at the Cablinasian he glossed him, “Punxsutawney Seanie” because he only calls one day of the year. Good gloss, but Bill is kidding himself if he thinks he’s better than Sean.

One annoying thing about Bill: he throws in more “okay’s” at the end of his sentences than Mr. Garrison from South Park, since when has a period not been enough to end a sentence?

11.1 John from C-Town
“Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey. Lunch with the Monkey, monkey, monkey. War fur ball, I’m out.” At least that’s what I heard.

It’s too bad John decided to return to the Jungle. He doesn’t now, nor did he ever bring much to the table. This year he just slammed the Cablinasian, Greg in Vegas, and T-Rodge.

11.2 Oliver in St. Louis
The last caller of the day and the second of two to get the buzzer.

“Clones I warned you to stay off Chewbacca in Houston or she’ll go Orenthal and verbally decapitate you with the fury of a Liza Minelli temper tantrum just before she’s had the time to mix in her Carnation instant bloody Mary breakfast drink.”

“Hey Terrence Nelson-Riley, this is your day again to choke faster than Tommy Lee’s prom date.”

“You [Jeff in Richmond] and Britney Spears should be the poster children for pro-choice, a couple of mistakes that should have been swallowed.” A delayed hammer dropping occurred after that blast. It was probably the ninth or best call, but the buzzer nullified all of his smack.

I'll be updating the History of the Smack-Off as well.

Dude thanks for the update. Lost the signal midway thru the work day and was left hangin on Jeff, Rachel, and Greg in Vegas. Missed Iafrate, Joe, Phone Slap, and the one that hurt the most.....Terrence! So thanks for the results and if you know a cheat to get the audio......you got my email. Thx again man and keep up the good clonesmanship.

VTB

Nice run-down. Put up as much audio on the History page as you can. I missed some of the classics of a few years ago because I live in NYC, and we only sometimes get the show. I had to cheat to listen to the Smackoff (online semi-illegal feed).
I didn't think the Cablinasian was so special this year. He's always good, but I think he might've gotten this one on rep.
Oh, and Rome always saying there were 3 or 4 this year that would've won it any other year annoys me. That's a friggin' lie, and Rome knows it. He says that same damn line every year, and it's never true.

I wish Rome would do a Smack-Off review show. Instead, we have a week of the idiots he uses as substitutes.

Memo to Lampley:

I'm not interested in hearing about boxing, horse racing, and other non-sports, especially not after the Smack-0ff. Can't Rome get someone relevant?

I only managed to hear the majority of the second hour. Didn't get to hear Greg in Vegas' call, but from what you wrote it sounds like he was robbed. Was about to head back to work, but heard the Cablinasian was up. I was expecting to get blown away, but was sort of disappointed. As a matter of fact, I don't think he was the best call of the hour, let alone the whole Smackoff. I gave a slight edge to Joe in the OC's call. Terrence's bit about Reggie Bush was kind of funny, but the OJ takes were more than a bit dated.

Greg in Vegas definitely should have been the winner. Joe in the OC really needs to stop using the word "like" so damn much. I really liked Bill in Knoxville's call, as well as John in C-town's. Terrance got totally owned by Iafrate.

Oliver in St. Louis seems to have a lot of bad luck in the Smack-Off.

Greg in Vegas had a great call, but should have been punched in the mouth for that Bethany Hamlton comment, but that is just how that cat rows. Joe in the OC needs to stop talking about all the time he got ran, he did it in his 05 and 06 smackoff calls and I am sure we are going to hear it in the 07.