The Andrew Extravaganza

Temporary link to the 2007 Smack-Off page

The 12th annual Smack-Off will be held on Friday, May 5, 2006. Dreamt up by Jim Rome and his producer Travis Rodgers, the Smack-Off is an invite only competition among the show’s elite callers (and Jeff in Phoenix). The winner of the contest is crowned King of Smack for the year and will have earned the respect of Clones everywhere (except in the case of Jeff in Richmond). Because it took up way too much of my time, I will once again pimp my History of the Smack-Off page; that should provide all the background you need for this year’s event.

Romey's sound engineer, Alvin Delloro cut a promotional clip for affiliates to advertise the event; you can listen to it Here.

In Houston we've got The Cablinasian doing a one minute promo for 610 am's Smack-Off party at Buffalo Wild Wings in Rice Village. He did a promo last year too; this one is playing off his elite status as the only three time winner and Jungle superstar.

The Jungle airs from 11am to 2pm Central Time, check the website for the Jungle to find your local affiliate.

Here are the previous winners:
2005 Sean the Cablinasian
2004 Iafrate
2003 Sean the Cablinasian
2002 Jeff in Richmond
2001 Silk in Huntington Beach
2000 Doc Mike DiTolla
1999 Sean the Cablinasian
1998 Steve Carbone
1997 Doc Mike DiTolla
1996 Jeffrey DiTolla Esq.
1995 JT the Brick

At the bottom of this entry you will find the result of my studious handicapping of the field. Vegas needs to get its act together and post some odds, until that time it’s up to me. Now for a complete breakdown of the field:

One quick note, I’ll give you the performance of each guy over the last five years (2005 to 2001):
X = The Buzzer
UR = Unranked
DNC = Did Not Call

The Favorites

Sean the Cablinasian
His talent is unrivaled. The Cablinasian will be the favorite so long as he’s interested and doesn’t go #45 and get pressured to leave the game errrrr, go try his hand at minor league call-in shows on his local affiliate. I don’t think he has a gambling jones any worse than most clones, so expect to hear him smacking with a vengeance for the foreseeable future.
[1, 2, 1, 7, 7]

Iafrate
For the degenerates out there, Iafrate to place is as close to a sure thing as Tara Reid with a few drinks in her. After years of silver medals, Whitey’s Dad took him to the top, but does he have an equivalent gimmick up his sleeve? He might not even need it as good as he's been over the years.
[2, 1, DNC, 2, 5]

Terrence in Sierra Madre
Elway or Kelly. What will Terrence’s Jungle legacy be? As Iafrate noted last year, on his best day Terrence had at least two guys who handed him his ass. Maybe Warren Moon is a better comparison. Like Terrence, he’s a Hall of Famer who never really came close to the promised land. As far as I know, Terrence never slapped his wife around, so maybe the Moon comparison is unfair. One thing is for sure though, with Terrence you can expect production value and something goofy. With two good performances in a row, could it finally be his year?
[3, 3, 8, UR, 6]

Greg in Vegas
One of my personal favorites. Greg is like Dennis Rodman and Ron Artest. He's consistent, with flashes of Jungle genius when focused, but he likes to push the envelope. Sometimes he gets too chippy and gets the hammer dropped on him, but he’s always going to work it. That Bruce Edwards blast in ’03? That was the Worm kicking that cameraman in the package. You can’t tell me both weren’t hysterical, but the self-righteous pitched a fit. There's always a strong chance Greg will get T’ed up, but in the process he’ll unleash some brilliant one-liners and throw in some clever obscure references.
[9, 6, 2, 10, X]

Joe in Orange County
Little voice. Huge smack. He’s the second coming of the Cablinasian: he has good pacing and he’s got the formula down. "Hey Whitey, let’s do the buzzer together," might be the best ending to a Smack-Off call ever. Can he recapture the magic of that debut call in 2003, or will the downward trend continue? I expect a top five finish.
[7, 5, 3]

Casey in Vegas
He was cruising along in 2004 before losing his place in his script and ejecting. Still he salvaged an 8th place finish. In 2005 he got off a nice Mahmood Abdul-Rauf Tourette’s blast en route to a 6th place finish. Casey uses the Vegas formula of funny one-liners and disability smack. He has game and should put together a good call in his third Smack-Off.
[6, 8]

Doc Mike DiTolla
As Joe in the OC cracked him in 2003, Doc Mike gives you "two minutes on rednecks and the best of Dennis Miller." That’s an accurate assessment but it sells Doc Mike short. He’s clever, well spoken, and funny. He brings plenty of sports takes and crushes other callers. And all with the elitist presentation of Dennis Miller. Doc Mike is a two time champ and has a chance to win it every year, but will he call?
[DNC, 7, DNC, 5, 4]

Steve Carbone
Former caller from LMU. Former phone slap. Former talk show host. Current clone. I didn’t think he was the best caller back in 1998 when he won it all, but I’ve grown to like his Smack-Off calls. Steve has a bit of a screamer streak in him and brings high energy takes, typically without production value. If he calls he’ll contend, but will he call?
[5, DNC, DNC, 4, 2]

Rachel in Houston
Rocky, Raphael, Raul, Roger, Rupaul, etc. Jokes aside, I have a lot of respect for Rachel. She consistently brings good smack and she brings it often. Respect aside, Romey was generous with the 4th place finish last year; she can only slip backwards from there. I think Rachel is in the Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix/Irie Craig/Raider Mike mold. They’re all excellent daily contributors, but they just don’t have that extra gear to pull away in the main event. Maybe I’m wrong about her though. This Smack-Off will decide her fate as a contender.
[4, UR]

The Absentee Contenders

Gino in San Antonio
He disappeared for a while, a long while, but began calling again after last year’s Smack-Off. Maybe he calls, maybe he doesn’t. If he does, expect to see him mixing it up in the top five.
[DNC, DNC, DNC, DNC, 3]

Jim in Fall River
Jim picked up Bobby from Brooklyn’s baseball bat and starting kicking asses where Bobbo left off. Along the way he introduced us to his donkey and had his girl jack-off said donkey. Jim is a screaming smack animal who gets so worked up that he’s foaming at the mouth by the end of the call. He took last year off and got the hammer dropped on him in ’04 so it’s not a lock that he calls.
[DNC, X, 6, 3, 8]

Dan in DC
At one point Dan in DC was a radio talk show host. Maybe he still is, that would explain his two year absence from the show. He was good back when he called.
[DNC, DNC, 4, UR, X]

Jeffrey E. DiTolla Esq.
At this point all you can say about Jeffrey is that he’s Mike’s brother. The 1996 winner hasn’t called since 2001 when he ran out of time after one of Doc Mike’s segment filibusters.
[DNC, DNC, DNC, DNC, UR]

Kerwin in Riverside
Once a great caller, he’s hasn’t been heard from since 2000.
[DNC, DNC, DNC, DNC, DNC]

The Veteran Long Shots

Silk Brah in Huntington Beach
Throw out his win in 2001 and you have a legend with a lackluster record in the Smack-Off, basically another Terrence. Silk will call and probably go old school, but he won’t crack the top five. And that’s okay, a guy that sports a Cade McNown jersey to every tour stop must know what losing is all about.
[UR, UR, 9, 9, 1]

Irie Craig
Another solid SoCal legend. Trade Silk’s 2001 crown for a huge spliff and you have Irie. No chance to win, but I’d like to hear him call anyway.
[DNC, 9, DNC, 8, DNC]

Matt in Denver
The emergence of a new, shittier version of the old Matt in Denver got the original to start calling again. I’m not sure if he’s eligible this year, but he made a good call in 2002.
[DNC, DNC, DNC, 6, UR]

Jeff in Richmond
He reemerged from the Virginia backwaters only to get bitch-slapped by Orrin. His "born and bred for success and achievement" line was good, but at what cost? That WWE shtick of his was tired by his second call, yet he somehow milked it to a 2002 Smack-Off title. No way does Romey make the same mistake twice.
[DNC, DNC, X, 1, DNC]

Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix
Eight Smack-Off appearances, four unranked finishes, four times a victim of the White Man. Seriously, Greg Louganis, Rudy Galindo, and Esera Tualolo think Jeff is a flamer. But at least he boldly calls his shot each year, I guess that counts for something. Good contributor the rest of the year, but Jeff goes Dale Earnhardt into the wall when it counts.
[X, UR, X, UR, UR]

Trapper in Dana Point
His 2004 call was one of my favorites in any Smack-Off ever, but his prior record is spotty. Even if he did call and even if he hit one out of the park, can one of the men responsible for that ill-fated tandem call ever win? Methinks not.
[DNC, 4, X, DNC, DNC]

Dean in Huntintgon Beach
In his time he was a very good SoCal caller but he’s been missing in action for years now.
[DNC, DNC, DNC, UR, 9]

Otis in Austin
He’s goofy like Terrence. He filibusters like Jeff in Richmond. His shtick is tired but he has the potential for a few good lines. He could just as easily get run.
[UR, X, 5]

John from C-Town
Doesn't bring much to the table; he has a better chance to win by playing 'The Tape' than with a new call. Remeber the tandem call with Trapper? Someone that disgusts T-Rodge will never win.
[DNC, DNC, DNC, DNC, X]

The New Breed

Chris from Cougar High
He qualified last year but failed to get on air. On Monday he solidified a bid for Friday's competition. The guy calls as infrequently as the Cablinasian so we know that he trains like a champion. From the limited number of looks at his game I’d say he could go as high as top five. Does he have any smack left in the tank after his play-in call though?

Orrin in Denver
He came out of nowhere this year and famously dismantled former winner Jeff in Richmond. He’s got a bit of an Efrem complex going. Anytime a clone cracks him he’s on air the next segment with a response acting like the former ‘legal guardian of the Jungle’. Maybe that’s for the best though because he’s much more entertaining when he rips into another clone than when he plays the role of Barry Bonds apologist. I like the guy and think he’s good for the show, but I can’t help but think he’s perfectly set up to go Don in NoCal and flame out spectacularly. I hope it doesn’t happen, but I won’t be surprised at all. On the flip side, Jim seems to be on Orrin’s jock so an average call could make the top five and a good call could get him the win as a rookie.

Oliver in St. Louis
Last year he got off the classic line, "I think Dexter Manley could eat alphabet soup and pass a better script [than Terrence] today." That’s probably going to end up as his finest moment as a caller.
[10, X]

Bill in Knoxville
Was on the bubble, then got run off the bubble, then got in with a call on Monday. He finished 8th last year. He can’t win it, but he could make the top ten.
[8]

Ed in Stockton & Mike in Orlando
Both have made one Smack-Off appearance. I’m not even sure if either of the guys are in the field.
Ed [X] & Mike [DNC, 10]

Jeff in Chapel Hill & Justin in Boise & Chuck in Phoenix
Recent callers to the show and rookies to the Smack-Off. They’re just looking for a moral victory: a good line and avoiding the buzzer. Rookies don't win the Smack-Off, period.

Tommy in Detroit
Another rookie, he just qualified on the eve of the Smack-Off. It wasn't his game that got him the invite, Tommy is the guy that went with 'orp!' sound in place of the 'err' and derailed an entire day of the show with reaction to the strange noise.

And the odds, bet 'em like you would the ponies:

Odds	Clone
9-2	Sean the Cablinasian
6-1	Iafrate
8-1	Terrence in Sierra Madre
10-1	Greg in Vegas
10-1	Joe in the OC
12-1	Casey in Vegas
12-1	Doc Mike DiTolla
12-1	Steve Carbone
15-1	Rachel in Houston
20-1	Gino in San Antonio
20-1	Jim in Fall River
25-1	Chris from Cougar High
25-1	Orrin in Denver
30-1	Dan in DC
30-1	Oliver in St. Louis
30-1	Silk in Huntington Beach
35-1	Bill in Knoxville
40-1	Irie Craig
45-1	Matt in Denver
50-1	Jeff in Richmond
50-1	Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix
50-1	Otis in Austin
50-1	Trapper in Dana Point
65-1	Ed in Stockton
65-1	Mike in Orlando
75-1	Dean in Huntington Beach
75-1	Jeffrey E. DiTolla Esq.
75-1	Kerwin in Riverside
100-1	Jeff in Chapel Hill
100-1	Justin in Boise
100-1	John from C-Town
100-1	Chuck in Phoenix
100-1	Tommy in Detroit
500-1	Tom Tolbert
1000-1	J.T. the Brick

Other propositions:

O/U	Bet
3.5	Number of Past Champs that call
16.0	Total Calls making it to air
3.0	Instances of the buzzer
6.0	1st Hour Calls
7.0	2nd Hour Calls
3.0	3rd Hour Calls

Odds for each hour to produce the Champion:

Odds	Bet
6-1	1st Hour
2-1	2nd Hour
3-1	3rd Hour

Will Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix get the buzzer?

Line	Bet
-250	Yes
+210	No

Will Orrin in Denver get the buzzer?

Line	Bet
+145	Yes
-165	No

Will Jeff in Richmond get the buzzer?

Line	Bet
-130	Yes
+110	No

Will Greg in Vegas get the buzzer?

Line	Bet
+155	Yes
-175	No

Will a rookie caller make the top ten?

Line	Bet
-310	Yes
+250	No

Will a rookie caller make the top five?

Line	Bet
-120	Yes
+110	No

Will a rookie caller win the Smack-Off?

Line	Bet
+650	Yes
-1200	No

Will a past winner win the Smack-Off?

Line	Bet
-110	Yes
+100	No

What will be the lower number, Lebron James turnovers in game 6 or Rachel in Houston’s rank?

Line	Bet
-135	Bron Bron
+120	Rachel

What will be the lower number, Gilbert Arenas steals in game 6 or The Cablinasian’s rank?

Line	Bet
-130	Arenas
+110	Cablinasian

What will be the lower number, Gilbert Arenas rebounds in game 6 or Terrence in Sierra Madre’s rank?

Line	Bet
+120	Arenas
-140	Terrence

What will be the lower number, Mike Bibby assists in game 6 or Greg in Vegas’ rank?

Line	Bet
+140	Bibby
-160	Greg in Vegas

The Smack-Off is like bullfighting, you don't need money on it to have an interest, but I'll get down anyway, $100 total:

$5 on Terrence to Win
$5 on Greg in Vegas to Win
$15 on Cablinasian across the board ($5 each way)
$6 on Jim in Fall River across the board ($2/way)
$5 on Iafrate to Show
$2 on Orrin to Show
$2 on Gino in San Antonio to Show
$5 on hour 2 producing the winner
$5 on over 3.5 past champs calling
$5 on over 16 calls (rookies tend to flame)
$35 on NO, a rookie caller will not win
$5 on Bron Bron TOs(-135) vs Rachel's Rank
$5 on Greg in Vegas (-160) vs Bibby dimes