The Andrew Extravaganza

The last three Smack-Offs have been incredibly deep, but this was the first year that I’ve really wished the program was still four hours long. Contenders that didn’t make it in include: Jim in Fall River, Doc Mike DiTolla, Chris in Houston, & Irie Craig.

Unfortunately, Tobin and Larry showed good judgment and didn’t appear. I was hoping for a quick and embarrassing exit from those guys to effectively destroy their career as callers; now those slugs will continue punishing us with their weekly oral excrement for the foreseeable future. Seriously, when Tobin calls I turn down the volume, but inevitably I turn it back up again in the hope that Jim will finally crush his spirit and drive Tobin to a mental breakdown and ultimately suicide. People die everyday, so why can’t he? I wish I didn’t mean that, but I do.

The Top 10 as determined by the crew:
1. Sean the Cablinasian
2. Iafrate
3. Terrence in Sierra Madre
4. Rachel in Houston
5. Steve Carbone
6. Casey in Vegas
7. Joe in the OC
8. Bill in Knoxville
9. Greg in Vegas
10. Oliver in St. Louis

Call by Call Breakdown

Jeff in Phoenix
1st up; the Jose Hernandez of the jungle, except that Jeff doesn’t have the good sense to sit out before setting the all-time record for whiffing. His recent history as a first hour caller: ’05—flameout, ’04—called his shot and failed to crack the top ten, ’03—bad cell connection leading to a flameout. It’s time to drop you from the leadoff spot and into the 8 hole until you find a way to get on base. Stop calling your shot until you manage to place ahead of that mumbling idiot Otis.

Rachel in Houston
Cracked back on the clones for hating on her. A solid call, but nothing memorable. Suggesting that John in C-Town (lunch with the monkey), the Monkey, and Bill in Knoxville go to the local testicle festival was nice.

Bill in Knoxville
A guy from Tennessee running redneck smack on Alabama (what do they say about those that live in glass houses?) Surround that with a couple of weak sports takes and you have a rookie running a lot of smack but not really scoring any points. Instead of getting in the ring Bill worked out on the speed bag.

Ed in Stockton
Bad call, but did fire a good line before getting the buzzer: “It took a 1 for 3 outing for [Charles Thomas of the A’s] to get his average above the average human life expectancy.”

Casey in Vegas
“Anytime you see a female wearing a jersey that’s not at a game, she’s fat and ugly…but enough about Patty in Modesto.”

“If Jake doesn’t stop playing around you’re going to be so nervous you couldn’t beat Mahmood Abdul-Rauf in a staring contest.” Turret’s syndrome smack at it’s finest.

Greg in Vegas
On Jeff in Phoenix’s annual flameout: “Jim I haven’t heard you so uncomfortable since the day that Gene Simmons came into the Jungle and told you, ‘You can’t say I’m Jim Rome and I don’t feel like making any sperm today’.”

“Per your recommendation, I just gave money to the Canadian diabetes association, and then I called Stub Hub and asked for Roger Metzger, but he couldn’t come to the phone.” That was the requisite amputee smack.

The body of the call touched on the Devil Rays and how insufferable Red Sox fan has become.

He got in references to a blind guy, a deaf guy, and a paraplegic. His parting shot: “I don’t want to say [Mitch] Albom’s opinion is meaningless, but his paper has less circulation than Mike Utley.”

Otis in Austin
Jesus, he drawls on and on and on; I’m surprised Rome let him keep going. Otis likes to throw in Jungle resets, but he never does anything with them. It’s like the SNL skit where Chris Farley is a total fanboy interviewing big stars: ‘Hey Romey, remember when someone sent in the John in C-Town tape…teehee, that was funny.’

Memorable line: “Hey chowder heads, when you’re picking out a slump buster this fall don’t do the obvious and pick the one with the pigtails. Choose the one with the ponytail; that leaves you one hand free to wave to the crowd.” Wait, he used the exact same line last year…very original you unintelligible hick.

Terrence in Sierra Madre
Opened with a brief allusion to the Jim Harbaugh call of ’98. As always, good production value. He went with the history of his failures in the Smack-Off, “One year I even tried steroids: my smack went further, but my head got too big for the telephone.”
He had the Iafrate/Nemes attempt with a song about J-Stew, aborted it then immediately launched into a micro machines man style reading of dozens of takes. Ended by waxing poetic on the virtues of the average clone. Terrence is the most creative and most unpredictable participant. This was an inspired effort; nice job Terrence.

Joe in New York City
Referring to his chances to win: “Much like a leper in a porno theater, I think I can pull it off.” Was doing okay until he dropped an Asshole bomb and got dropped during the seven second delay. A-Hole is permissible, but Asshole doesn’t fly; nice work J-Stew in NYC.

Sean the Cablinasian
“Stew you went to Fullerton, of course your college education has little to do with your job, there’s no spatula involved.”

Good Calvin Murphy on Mother’s Day smack. Great smack on hillbilly PG Jason Williams: “Give the guy his pen back, like there’s any way you’re going to write with something besides a crayon or a can of spray paint.”

A good peeps at the All-star Café on the Last Word reset.

A brilliant reset of AI’s “Practice? We talkin’ ‘bout practice.” sound bite.

Ended with a sellout Poly Seem Seal caulk pitch.

Smooth and Effortless. The Shaq of the Jungle, he takes the regular season off and then out muscles the competition when it counts.

Oliver in St. Louis
Shortchanged when he got stuck with the Cablinasian’s sloppy seconds in the 3rd segment of the 2nd hour. The best Terrence choking smack of the day: “I think Dexter Manley could eat alphabet soup and pass a better script today.” I agree with Greg in Vegas; that was definitely one of the best lines of the day.

Iafrate
The defending champ began with a contrarian’s take on the steroid issue. Great Andruw Jones spelling bee bit: “A-N-D-R-U-W; oh I’m sorry, Andruw; in every freaking corner of the literate English speaking world, Andrew is spelled A-N-D-R-E-W. Our next contestant is Shawon Dunston.” Said Terrence is more like Collin Montgomery than Phil Michelson; “On this guy’s best day ever in his life, and trust me, never was there a better day in his life, there were still two guys who handed him his ass.”

Steve Carbone
Began by going after the Cablinasian. Transitioned to attacking LiveWithMom.com, a fansite message board. Great usage of that alcoholic deviant Pat O’Brien in making his points. Went after J-Stew for his appearance in Murder at the Presidio. This call paralleled his 1998 winning effort, except that he has now admitted to being a clone after all.

Silk in Huntington Beach
By far the most bizarre moment in Smack-Off history…well at least since Jim in Fall River was flogging a donkey while making his call. His intro was funny enough, but then it got out of hand. Silk has made himself the most visible of the Legends, he goes to every tour stop and calls all the time; as a result the clones love to go after him. The focus of Silk’s anger seems to be that the clones have called his wife a slut. He said he was tired of the cracks on his life and career and ended in tears saying he was retiring as a caller after 14 years in the Jungle. Goodnight now.

It was hard to call. Either he did a well executed Barry Bonds take or he really broke down. We’ll have to wait and see. If it was the former, he should have made that more clear and then maybe he’d have scored more points. If it was the latter, there’s no crying in the Jungle, sack up Silk Vermeil.

Joe in Orange County
Right after Silk’s meltdown: “Wow, nothing like following a great warm-up act to get the crowd laughing. I can’t handle people making fun of my voice. I can’t handle it, my wife can’t handle it, and personally I don’t give a damn if my mother-in-law can handle it; and none of them know how to turn off the radio.” Brilliant improv.

“Kobe couldn’t decide between the Lakers and the Clippers, so he just turned the Lakers into the Clippers.”

Ran a little smack on the LiveWithMom.com clones: “Compared to these people, A.C. Green had the bachelorhood of Hugh Heffner.”

He ended with some Jose Lima time VD smack; great call, Believe it!

Here is how I scored the calls:
1. The Cablinasian
2. Iafrate
3. Terrence
4. Joe in the OC
5. Greg in Vegas
6. Casey in Vegas
7. Steve Carbone
8. Oliver in St. Louis
9. Rachel in Houston
10. Bill in Knoxville
11. Otis in Austin
12. Silk in Huntington Beach
13. Joe in NYC
14. Jeff in Phoenix
15. Ed in Stockton

Silk called in to the Jungle today confirming he wasn't really all bent out of shape. That makes sense; after all the crap he's taken on the show, he never lost his cool before.

I will retroactively bump him up to a 10th place finish on my scorecard; Bill in Knoxville drops out of the top 10.

It seemed to me that Bill in Knoxville was jipped and shoulda been ranked higher.