Quick Links
Summaries: | Database: |
| Introduction | Power Rankings |
| The Idea | User Call Ratings |
| Past Winners | |
| 1995 | 1995 |
| 1996 | 1996 |
| 1997 | 1997 |
| 1998 | 1998 |
| 1999 | 1999 |
| 2000 | 2000 |
| 2001 | 2001 |
| 2002 | 2002 |
| 2003 | 2003 |
| 2004 | 2004 |
| 2005 | 2005 |
| 2006 | 2006 |
| 2007 | 2007 |
| 2008 | 2008 |
Winners
- 1995 J.T. The Brick
- 1996 Jeffrey E. DiTolla Esq.
- 1997 Doc Mike DiTolla
- 1998 Steve Carbone
- 1999 Sean the Cablinasian
- 2000 Doc Mike DiTolla
- 2001 Silk in Huntington Beach
- 2002 Jeff in Richmond
- 2003 Sean the Cablinasian
- 2004 Iafrate
- 2005 Sean the Cablinasian
- 2006 Sean the Cablinasian
- 2007 Sean the Cablinasian
- 2008 Iafrate
Highest Rated Calls
- 8.93 Steve Carbone
- 8.92 Sean the Cablinasian
- 8.89 Kerwin in Riverside
- 8.86 Iafrate
- 8.85 Iafrate
- 8.83 Jim in Fall River
- 8.82 Iafrate
- 8.82 Sean the Cablinasian
- 8.82 Sean the Cablinasian
Alphabetical Listing of Callers
- A.J. in Tampa Bay
- Aaron in Boise
- Aaron the Parrot
- Adam in Pacific Beach
- Andre the hairdresser in San Diego
- Bill in Knoxville
- Blair in Denver
- Bob in Anaheim
- Bob in Omaha
- Bobby in Brooklyn
- Bobby in Providence
- Bodie in Pearland
- Boone in Pasadena
- Boston Phinn
- Brendan in Wilmington
- Casey in Vegas
- Cecelia in San Diego
- Chad in Dove Canyon
- Chad in Portland
- Chris from Cougar High
- Chris in Albuquerque
- Christian in Kansas City
- Chuck in Phoenix
- Corey in Ann Arbor
- D.J. in D.C.
- Dan from Cleveland
- Dan in DC
- Dave F. in Denver
- Dave in Irvine
- Dave in Placentia
- Dave in St. Louis
- Dean in Huntington Beach
- Doc Mike DiTolla
- Don in NoCal
- Dorian in Inglewood
- Ed in Stockton
- Eddie in Oklahoma City
- Efrem
- Erin in Ottawa
- Gabe in Stockton
- Gangsta Chick in Sacramento
- Gino in San Antonio
- Greg in Portland
- Greg in Vegas
- Greg the Cockroach
- Iafrate
- Irie Craig
- J.D. in Nashville
- J.T. the Brick
- James in Syracuse
- Jay in L.A.
- Jay in Youngstown
- Jay Mohr
- Jeff in Chapel Hill
- Jeff in Jacksonville
- Jeff in Miami
- Jeff in Richmond
- Jeff in Vancouver
- Jeff on a carphone in Phoenix
- Jeffrey E. DiTolla
- Jim Harbaugh
- Jim in Crapchester
- Jim in Fall River
- Jim in Omaha
- Jim in San Diego
- Joanie in NoCal
- Joe in Lemon Grove
- Joe in New York City
- Joe in Orange County
- Joe in San Diego
- John in C-Town
- John in L.A.
- John in Syracuse
- Jonathan in Syracuse
- Jordan in Vista
- Julie in Portland
- Justin in Boise
- Kent the bonecutter in Clarksville
- Kerwin in Riverside
- Kevin in Providence
- Lamar in San Antonio
- Lance in La Costa
- Larry in Knoxville
- Larry in Orlando
- Larry the false wanker in Riverside
- Lear in Annapolis
- Lisa in Green Bay
- Mac in San Antonio
- Manny in Oxnard
- Marcel in Calgary
- Mark in Buffalo
- Matt in Denver
- Megan in Sacramento
- Mike in Orlando
- Mike in Providence
- Mike in Wichita
- Mitch the Rat in Wichita
- Oliver in St. Louis
- Oren in Denver
- Otis in Austin
- Paul in Sioux City
- Pete in Anchorage
- Peter in Sacramento
- Pointdexter in Houston
- Quinn in San Antonio
- Quinn the Car Fixer
- Rachel in Houston
- Raider Mike
- Randy in Indianapolis
- Renee in Rochester
- Rich in Anaheim Hills
- Richard in West L.A.
- Rob in Tampa
- Robin in Boulder
- Ron in Huntsville
- Ron in San Diego
- Rupert in NoCal
- Rusty in Houston
- Scott in Hollywood
- Screaming Mike in Vegas
- Script Fu
- Scrooge
- Sean the Cablinasian
- Sean the Kiwi
- Silk in Huntington Beach
- Steve Carbone
- Steve Elkington
- Steve in Chicago
- Terrence in Sierra Madre
- Tim in Toronto
- Tim McKyer
- Tobin in Chapel Hill
- Tom in Green Bay
- Tom in Lincoln
- Tom Tolbert
- Tommy in Detroit
- Tracy in Torrance
- Trapper in Dana Point
- Tyrone
- Vic in NoCal
- Voz in Omaha
- Wayne in Tucson
- Wesley in Loma Linda
- William in San Diego
- Willie in Kansas City
Introduction
The Smack-Off is without question the most highly anticipated day on the Jungle calendar.
It's a day legends are born and calling careers are irreparably damaged.
It's a day for men to compete for the ultimate prize.
I began listening to the Jim Rome Show in the summer of 1997 on 610 AM in Houston.
As a result of getting in relatively early, I have had the pleasure of experiencing and recording ten of the thirteen events.
Prior to the event in 2006 I went through my annual ritual of preparing for the Smack-Off by listening to an ever-growing catalogue of Smack-Off tapes.
Along the way I realized that as The Jungle underwent its rapid expansion the number of poor bastards without a proper understanding of the great event grew as well.
First launched on April 25, 2006, this site is my tribute to the Smack-Off and hopefully a source of information for new listeners.
My goal is to present as much information as possible for each year's Smack-Off.
The Idea
After a particularly bad day of calls, Romey was left searching for a way to keep the endless string of bad callers from ruining his show.
Producer Travis Rodgers and Jim kicked some ideas around and decided they could select the callers, but that it wasn't feasible to do so daily.
Resigned to this fact, the idea of an annual Smack-Off competition was born.
Listen to Jim tell the story
The invitations are announced well in advance of the event for two reasons: to generate buzz/discussion and to allow bubble callers to play their way in/out.
Past winners have lifetime exemptions (unless you get a radio show on a competing affiliate). Other callers must depend on their body of work to earn the invite.
Past Winners
1995
The inaugural Smack-Off was held on April 14, 1995 and was won by J.T. the Brick. J.T. parlayed the victory into his own radio show and currently works for Fox Sports Radio.
Adam in Pacific Beach finished second and Jeffrey E. DiTolla finished third. This was also the year that Jason from Fullerton took time away from his porn watching with nine other dudes to place a truly horrible Smack-Off call; a decade later
he'd be known as Mr. Automatic. Listen to Houston band
3-Day Weekend and their ode
to J-Stew.
This was before my time in the Jungle so I need more information. If you can help with information or audio, please send an e-mail via the contact
link at the top of this page.
1996
The date was April 5, 1996 and an almost entirely Californian field of 31 callers competed for the second annual King of Smack crown, only one caller got hit with the buzzer.
Defending champ J.T. the Brick did not participate. Of note, even in 1996, in the infancy of syndication and expansion, Silk was already playing the old school card in his Smack-Off calls.
Audio files for the 1996 Smack-Off are available courtesy of Doc Mike DiTolla. Huge props to Mike for providing his tapes, which offer some insight
on an era of the Jungle previously unknown to the majority of current Jungle listeners.
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 5Rome breaks down the top 4 thru 1
Jeffrey briefly talks with Jim about the win
1996 RESULTS
1997
The third annual Smack-Off took place on April 4, 1997. Doc Mike won his first crown and Iafrate finished in second, a position he would become very familiar with over the years. This Smack-Off was notable because it had two non-Californians finish in the top ten. The Jungle began its rapid expansion during 1997. A record 41 callers competed, including debuts by Kerwin in Riverside, Greg in Vegas, and Gino in San Antonio (I could be wrong without more knowledge of the 1995 field).
1997 RESULTS
1998
The fourth annual Smack-Off was held April 10, 1998. The field was still heavily represented by California callers, but the effects of syndication were more noticeable as Gino in San Antonio
finished third and in his debut performance, Sean the Cablinasian represented Houston with a fourth place finish.
1998 was memorable for the infamous Jim
Harbaugh call. NFL quarterback Jim Harbaugh, a Baltimore Raven at the time, was invited based on some solid smack during interviews and some calls to the show,
but apparently his smack well ran dry on Good Friday:
Romey, it's good to be on the Smack-Off. I just want to say thanks for taking my call and uh, I'd like to wish everyone out there a happy holiday an uh, I don't really have a lot of smack to say today. It's a uh, holiday and a day of peace and harmony, kind of like Fuzzy and Tiger playing in The Masters. But uh, I want to wish everybody and their families a happy holiday, except for some of your clones that don't really have families and are behind on their child support payments like your boy Sean in Syracuse, tell that clone to get a life.
Rome's Response: "I'll try to do my best to cover that up, but I don't think I'll have a prayer. I will pray for you Jim. That was a good take, good take.
The callers are not going to be kind."
29 callers made it to the air, but 8 of them did not make it to the end of their call.
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10Steve Carbone talks to Rome about the win
1998 RESULTS
1999
The fifth annual Smack-Off was held on April 2, 1999 and was won by Sean the Cablinasian in Houston. The Cablinasian was the first non-SoCal caller to become King of Smack.
The 1999 audio is available thanks to Bob in SoCal. Bob sent me his tapes to replace the ones that I so carelessly lost years ago. His tapes provide almost complete coverage
of the 1999 event with these small exceptions:
| 1. | Dan in Cleveland's call is missing some of the beginning, but it seems like most of the call was recorded. |
| 2. | The last segment of hour one is missing, but it's hard to tell what exactly was missed, be it one call, two calls, or even no calls at all. Potential callers for that segment include Efrem, Gabe in Stockton, and Dodger/Raider Mike. Nothing from the missing segment cracked the top ten or even received an honorable mention. |
| 3. | The traditional end of show interview with the winner, in this case Sean the Cablinasian, is missing. |
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 5Rome breaks down the top 4 thru 1
1999 RESULTS
2000
In an era of affiliate expansion the Jungle underwent a contraction as the length of the program was reduced from four hours to three. As a result, the sixth annual Smack-Off, which took
place on April 28, 2000, had a reduced field of only 17 participants. Doc Mike became the first two time winner of the Smack-Off, but a strong case could be made for The Cablinasian
and Dan in DC.
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 6Rome breaks down the top 5 thru 1
Doc Mike reflects on winning his second King of Smack crown
2000 RESULTS
2001
The seventh annual Smack-Off took place on May 4, 2001. Longtime SoCal caller Silk in Huntington Beach captured the 2001 crown by working his alleged hobo/racist/7-11 clerk status into the call. While his 2001 crown
was a feel good story of a clone turning lemons into lemonade, The Silk Precedent would have serious repercussions in 2002 when Jeff in Richmond gravy-trained
the big target on his back to an undeserved victory.
A memorable moment in Jungle history occurred when Jim in Fall River molested a donkey late in his call. Rome tried to get an explanation for the sounds, but
Jim ignored him, shouting louder over the braying donkey, prompting the White Man to drop the hammer. A testament to the brilliance of the call is the fact
that he finished eighth despite being run.
Comedian Jay Mohr, a frequent caller and contributor at the time, called and ran some solid smack with a New York sports team focus. His call was better than
a tenth place effort, but when you're Jay Mohr the bar is set much higher than if you are just an average clone.
2001 set a modern era record for calls with 20 and for buzzers with 6.
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 4Rome breaks down the top 3 thru 1
2001 RESULTS
2002
The eight annual Smack-Off was held on April 19, 2002. An otherwise outstanding day of calls was marred forever by a Jeff in Richmond win. Jeff's win delayed the beginning of the Golden Age of the Smack-Off until
2003.
Numbers for the eighth annual Smack-Off: 17 callers competed; only one caller, Don in NoCal, took the buzzer, tying the record low set in the 1996 Smack-Off.
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 5Rome breaks down the top 4 thru 1
Jeff in Richmond talks about the win
2002 RESULTS
2003
The ninth annual Smack-Off was held on June 21, 2003 and set a record for fewest callers with only 14 participants. Three received the buzzer and one ejected amidst rising flames. 2003
began the Golden Age of the Smack-Off. The Golden Age has been marked by incredibly deep and competitive fields that mix the enduring SoCal legends with
early syndication giants and add an influx of talented new school callers.
The Cablinasian joined Doc Mike as a two time winner. Greg In Vegas made his best call ever, but might have cost himself the title with a Bruce Edwards
blast at the end of his call: "I'll just leave you with the thought that maybe Tom Watson could have won the U.S. Open if not for his caddy suffering
a one stroke penalty." The remark about the caddy suffering from ALS was met with much self-righteous indignation. Joe in the OC took time off from
the Lollipop Guild to make an excellent debut call ending with a requested buzzer from Whitey. Willie in Kansas City, a polarizing caller known for his a
capella song spoofs, made his only Smack-Off appearance. His promising call-in career was cut short by a lifetime ban for Anti-Semitic remarks. His shtick was as tired as Jeff in Richmond's, so the ban probably helped the show in the long term. Tragically, the legacy
of Willie lives on as 2007 and 2008 were marred by the proliferation of clone karaoke calls.
Don in NoCal was the final caller of the event. His effort would join the ranks of infamous Smack-Off calls and effectively end his Smack-Off career.
Here is a transcript of his call:
Pimp, what's happening? It's another Smack-Off, it is another year. You know I was waiting for the
day when the winds would turn and the clones would pile on and somewhere in West Virginia there's a guy, you know, named Jeff that's just happy that
someone's gotten off of him so they can come my way. But you guys can bring it all you want clones.
You know a lot of people ask me, Don, "why do you call so much? Why do you call so much?" It's because the other clones' calls suck, they stink.
And if I didn't call, I'd have to sit there and listen to people mumble, mumble, mumble on Verizon phones and talk about doing ungodly things with
barn yard animals. And speaking of that clown in Fat River, listen, I know the Boston Red Sox have been giving you the longest strip-tease in the
history of man. You know they've been running up in you since Babe Ruth and bitterman Joe Dimaggio. Just take your medicine Jim in Fat River.
I mean, you've gotta be real, you gonna bring it to me with that garbage? Don't call me out, I told you this before. This is all about me [laugh] and all
about the clones. Clones, you guys can bring it all you want, I'm gonna keep calling as long as I can get through to J-Stew and as long as your
calls keep suckin'. So if you don't want me to call, you better raise the bar a bit. And back to you Jim in Fat River [pause] hey...I'm flaming Jim, out.
Rome's reaction:
Wow! Not good, not good. Don in NoCal, flaming during a Smack-Off call and having to eject. That's a Jungle rarity. You almost never ever hear a guy eject on the day of the smack-off. If you figure that all the work they've done, all the preparation they've done has been leading up to this one day, you don't want to come apart and have the wheels fly off on this given day. Especially when the basis of your call is, this is the worst part of all of course, is "I will continue to call because you all suck. Uh, I'm flaming, out." Don, that didn't help your cred; that didn't help your credibility. The purpose of his call was to say, "I will continue to call until the rest of you stop sucking as callers. Uh, I'm out." Not good. On occasion somebody will get run. And even onto itself that's a little bit noteworthy because you figure it's the best of the best, they should be able to get to the end of their phone calls. Don in NoCal was the only one to eject.
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 4Rome breaks down the top 3 thru 1
2003 RESULTS
2004
The tenth annual Smack-Off was held on April 16, 2004 and picked up where the ninth left off. The Cablinasian brought his flawless 'A' game as we've come to expect. Terrence made his
best call ever. Trapper went old school with Jack Nicholson's "You can't handle the truth" monologue from A Few Good Men. Joe in Orange County
made a solid sophomore effort. Greg in Vegas brought his Calvin Murphy, "it's a vagina, not a clown car" smack. Rookie caller Casey in Vegas was cruising
until he lost his place on the page and ejected.
But Iafrate stole the show in the last call-in segment. He went old school in the form of a song and sang
Whitey's Dad to the tune of John Niems'
Michael's Dad.
I would like to dedicate the remainder of my Smack-Off call to one of the true quiet heroes in a Jungle filled with noise, a man who has toiled in virtual obscurity, that we might enjoy this fellowship of the clone. And so I offer this original composition of my own hand, and heart, in his honor and with deep gratitude. [Cue familiar intro on his piano]
 |
We've all been watching |
GOOD NIGHT NOW! Brilliant call. One of the best ever.
I've never been a big Trapper fan. And who can forget his ill advised tandem call with John in C-Town?
But he absolutely destroyed with his Smack-Off call in '04. Here's the transcript:
To paraphrase JFK, never has there been so much brilliance
assembled here with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson chose to dine alone. Terrence my brother, we agree to disagree. It is an honor to be in this company;
Jim, thank you for the invite.
It's been a tough year across the national landscape and in sports for a guy with a social conscience. From an obscene war in Iraq to rampant corporate fraud
on the street to the Bill of Rights being held hostage in a Guantanamo Bay dungeon, we goose-step to whatever version of Jingo-Bells Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood play.
And Bruce gave it up for The Rising, but Dylan just gave up last week and sold out and broke my heart. While the Super Bowl hit the gutter, the Series was subdivided
for 30 pieces of silver by Madison Avenue's Midas Mensas. And Major League Baseball's drug scandals and the BCS poll bought the national pastime and the Gipper's game
subpoenaed front row seats in front of Senate and House investigating committees. You throw in Jim, two bulimic rich bitches bagging on middle America's decency
and work ethic for huge ratings and frankly, the whole ball of wax is starting to look to me like a Bush-Cheney fundraiser at the Chicken Ranch.
Jimmy, after twelve years on this beat I'm exhausted. So to all of you little e-mailers out there who have been waiting for me to hang up my spikes and fade away,
well, you want to know the truth? [throat clearing] [In Trapper's best Nicholson] You can't handle the truth. We live in a Jungle with vines, and those vines have
to be manned by men with Smack. Who's going to do it? You Flamian? You Patty from Modesto? Jeff in Richmond, Niems, the Clones? I have a greater responsibility
than you can imagine. You have the liberty of not knowing what I know. That Irie, Silk, Seanie, Terrence, Dark Gable, and a few of us help the rest of the
literate world forget about your pathetic contributions. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves this show. You want to know the truth?
You don't want to know the truth, because deep down in places you don't want to talk about at parties, you want me on that vine, you need me on that vine. We
use words like "karma", "racked", and "scoreboard". We use those words as the backbone of a program spent defending something. You use them as a punch line.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to some eunuchs who rise and sleep under the blanket of Smack I provide then question the very
manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said, "Thank you Trapper," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you grab a vine, swing in from your
little keyboard foxholes, and give us a take. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think.
Because from the Queen Mary to the Roach and the Day After, to the Mayor in Pow-adega, to Richy in Anaheim Hills in a maternity ward, to Scrooge finding God
at the Murph parking lot, from Raider Mike on fire to Joey from Lemon Grove on anything having to do with ice, from Dago to Tampa Bay, to Portland to Buffalo,
from the H-Town to S.A. bus with Pointdexter, and from San Fran to C-Town, Mo-Town, and Sac-Town: I've been around. I'm a made man with a twelve year smack
chip and next to taxes and death, there's only three things you geldings can take to the grave. And that's: I'm Trapper and you're not; on your best day,
my 'roids will always be your aneurisms; and when the sun rises tomorrow anywhere between the great Garden State of New Jersey and Dana Point, I'll be around
and you won't. Are we clear?
[Return to Trapper voice] What can I say babe, but Jimmy, tramps like us; I'm outta here.
I don't want to admit it, but that call changed my entire perspective on Trapper; that was one hell of a call and I am now a fan, even with the knowledge
of that unsavory tandem call.
The biggest disappointment of the day was listening to a contender take the buzzer. Jim in Fall River was killing, he got off a classic line about
New Mexico clones, "they consider ménage à trois banging your sister with a cockroach in your mouth." But ultimately he was run for mentioning that he
"had to have my girl go to the barn to jack-off the donkey so we could feed the cat," because they couldn't afford cat food.
A total of 18 callers participated, 6 of which were first time callers, 3 took the buzzer.
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 5Rome breaks down the top 4 thru 1
Iafrate reflects on finally getting the smack monkey off his back
2004 RESULTS
2005
The eleventh annual Smack-Off was held on May 6, 2005 and was won by Sean the Cablinasian, making him the first three time winner of the contest. In her sophomore effort,
Rachel in Houston earned the highest ranking ever by a woman. Iafrate earned his fourth silver medal while Jeff on a car phone in Phoenix managed to get
the buzzer in a Smack-Off for a record fourth time.
Here are some highlights from the day's proceedings:
Ed in Stockton
"It took a 1 for 3 outing for [Charles Thomas of the A's] to get his average above the
average human life expectancy."
Casey in Vegas
"Anytime you see a female wearing a jersey that's not at a game, she's fat and ugly...but enough about Patty in Modesto."
"If Jake doesn't stop playing around you're going to be so nervous you couldn't beat Mahmood Abdul-Rauf in a staring contest."
Greg in Vegas
"Jim I haven't heard you so uncomfortable since the day that Gene Simmons came into the Jungle and told you,
'You can't say I'm Jim Rome and I don't feel like making any sperm today'."
"Per your recommendation, I just gave money to the Canadian diabetes association, and then I called Stub Hub and asked for Roger Metzger,
but he couldn't come to the phone."
"I don't want to say [Mitch] Albom's opinion is meaningless, but his paper has less circulation than Mike Utley."
Terrence in Sierra Madre
"One year I even tried steroids: my smack went further, but my head got too big for the telephone."
"Now that we have a German pope, will the French surrender now or wait for the Vatican to invade? I can just see the Swiss Guard goose-stepping their
way down the Champs Élysées"
He attempted to go Iafrate Niems with a song accompanied by guitar, but aborted the attempt in the second verse:
Hey Mr. J-Stew
You got moles on your dome dude
"Heh, Heh, Heh, Heh
You always say that"
Hey Mr. J-Stew
Why did they...
Ah, screw it, screw it, stop it, stop it...
"I'll tell you about the average clone. When you got thrown in jail, who bailed you out? The average clone. When your skank dumped you,
who took you to the strip club? The average clone. Every time you get evicted, who helps you move your stuff? The average clone. When
Raider fan is trying to bust a Natty Light over your dome in some barroom brawl, who would you rather have watching your back, The Cablinasian or
Otis from Austin? Who went beer for beer with you for three straight days when your father died? The average clone. When Americans are asked
to go fight and die in some foreign country, who goes? The average freaking clone. You know Rome, I won't lie to you; on any other day of the year
I'd probably be ragging on the average clone. But not on this day. Remember ye well St. Crispin's Day, for on this good day I say to all,
WAR THE AVERAGE CLONE AND FREEDOM! Err Out."
Sean the Cablinasian
"Stew you went to Fullerton, of course your college education has little to do with your job, there's no spatula involved."
On PG Jason Williams: "Give the guy his pen back, like there's any way you're going to write with something besides a crayon or a can of spray paint."
Oliver in St. Louis
"I think Dexter Manley could eat alphabet soup and pass a better script today."
Iafrate
"A-N-D-R-U-W; oh I'm sorry, Andruw; in every freaking corner of the literate English speaking world, Andrew is spelled A-N-D-R-E-W. Our next contestant
is Shawon Dunston."
"On this guy's [Terrence in Sierra Madre's] best day ever in his life, and trust me, never was there a better day in his life,
there were still two guys who handed him his ass."
Joe in Orange County
Right after Silk's meltdown: "Wow, nothing like following a great warm-up act to get the crowd laughing. I can't handle people making fun of my voice.
I can't handle it, my wife can't handle it, and personally I don't give a damn if my mother-in-law can handle it; and none of them know how to turn off
the radio."
"Kobe couldn't decide between the Lakers and the Clippers, so he just turned the Lakers into the Clippers."
"Compared to these people [LiveWithMom.com clones], A.C. Green had the bachelorhood of Hugh Heffner."
15 clones made the call, 3 received the buzzer treatment.
Here is how I handicapped the field prior to the event.
Ancillary Audio:
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 4Rome breaks down the top 3 thru 1
The Cablinasian discusses how it feels to be a three-time King of Smack
2005 RESULTS
2006
On May 5, 2006 the twelfth annual Smack-Off was held. In a controversial decision Sean the Cablinasian edged out Greg in Vegas for the crown.
The Cablinasian became the first to ever successfully defend his title; he is also the only four time winner of the event. Newcomer Oren in Denver,
who had made a name for himself by verbally assassinating Jeff in Richmond, started his first Smack-Off call well, but as he rambled on and on, Jim
was forced to cut him off. Overall, this year's event was down in quality from the excellent level of recent years;
perhaps the Golden Age of the Smack-Off has ended.
Here are some highlights of the day's proceedings:
Todd near Lexington
"I thought this contest was for amateur callers only, why is James Earl Jones allowed to participate? War Rachel putting away a whole box of sugar cubes
if she wins." -- in an email response to Rachel in Houston's call.
Greg in Vegas
"Let me add some civility to the discourse here, I like that last call, I like Oren, I liked him better the first time when he was called Kerwin."
"I don't want to say Josh Towers [pitcher for the Blue Jays] is over, but maybe he should take a page from Roger Clemens and start giving his kids names
beginning with L."
"Now, according to Jim, half of you people loved that last take, the other half of you hated it. You know, every Smack-Off I split my own vote because 50
percent of you graduated high school while the rest of you get frustrated after 20 minutes of Googling my takes to try and figure it out and then e-mail
to say you're offended. Last time I checked, this is the Jungle. It's not your job's annual gender and racial sensitivity training class. So unless Cade
McNown just stole your parking space, sit back and enjoy this call guilt free. Because what exactly do you people do when the host utters those haunting
words, 'let's see, taking a look at my screen, I got Salt Lake, Portland, Crapchester, Knoxville, Well lookey here, it's Greg in Vegas.' Do you cover your
ears? Do you turn the radio down until you hear the hammer that inevitably ends my call followed by the host conflicted on whether to run me or rack me? Of
course you don't. You invite the neighbors over and start pouring iced tea because you hypocrites love your three minute trip to the dark side starring me
as your cruise director. Oh and I wonder audibly if Kirby Puckett's glass eye was the one part of him that withstood the crematory furnace, or if Rocky
Mountain Outfitters charge Aaron Ralston for a pair of gloves, I know I'm not alone. What do you mean you can't give us a thumb print Mr. Alston? Credit is
denied. And please stop waving those fireplace tongs at me. You know that the first thing you did when you heard that Earl Woods went from the gravy train
to the gravy hearse was hit Napster to see if I had already released a Niems inspired remix Tiger's Dad. And you also know that if Rome's favorite sport
Nascar, ever sponsors a race in Hawaii, I'd call for Bethany Hamilton to drop the ceremonial first puck, afterall, every Sunday those cars move just like
she swims. And let me give you a scenario, when you read a wire story about a guy doing crystal meth and hacking off his own junk so he can compete in the
Preakness as a gelding, or when you hear about a mudslide in some third world country, do you search the satellite for the raw carnage video, or do you
scratch a check to the Red Cross? Yeah, that's what I thought. Thank you, Greg in Vegas, top of the arc, swish.
Terrence in Sierra Madre
"Does [John Daly] go to the beach to swim or feed on plankton? Dude's shadow goes two-fitty."
"Where's your shine box? Go get your f'ing shine box Iafrate."
Jeff on a carphone in Phoenix
"Props to that kid [Joe in the OC]. He's got probably a dozen baseball cards clothes-pinned to the spokes of his Huffy, making that really cool
clickety clack sound. And we may crack on him, but he's boys with Zach and Cody, scoreboard."
Casey in Vegas
"Why does Jay Cutler look like Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber."
Joe in the O.C.
"Don't worry Rachel, I've got your back...and when I get done shaving that I'll start on your knuckles."
"For some reason I'm drawn to the buzzer like Isaiah Thomas to a selfish scorer with a bloated contract. It's as if I'm compelled by some invisible
power to say the inappropriate. When a story like the Navy rape scandal happens, I don't care who's on steroids or whose mom has cancer, I have to
work in the expression Naval semen. I can hear the buzzer in my head before I say it, but the take still comes like Stan Brooks around free publicity. And
much like that little voice in Steve Garvey's head that tells him, 'you don't need to use protection, besides, it's not like you ever won't be able to
afford child support.' A voice in my head says, 'Hey, Ralph Sampson's behind on his child support, tell Rome it's because they don't make condoms for a guy
7'4" and a buck twenty.' And Wham. I get hit with the buzzer like Pedro Guerrero on family feud.
"Hell, I'll even wear a Calvin Murphy throwback, I don't care that he brought ruphies to a father-daughter dance."
Sean the Cablinasian
"And Shawn Marion, Michael J. Fox called from the Teen Wolf set; he wants his jumper back."
"If your brother looks like Ron Jeremy and you're considered the ugly one, maybe time to get that face transplant Jeff."
Steve Carbone
"Why are Kobe and Kwame constantly going back-door, they really seem to like that play."
Iafrate
"Let me assure you [Terrence in Sierra Madre] of one thing, I have no archive of your phone calls. I don't remember much of what you said today."
"Terrence, we took you in, we gave you a home man. We rescued you from the torment of the middle school playground. That's Samaritan enough, don't
get greedy."
Silk in Huntington Beach
"The only thing Greg in Vegas knows more about than being politically incorrect is heavy metal and strippers."
Bill in Knoxville
"Let's be real, the only women's professional sport that deserves any air time other than local cable access is beach volleyball, because at least those
chicks shave their pits."
Oliver in St. Louis
"Hey Terrence Nelson-Riley, this is your day again to choke faster than Tommy Lee's prom date."
16 clones made the call, 2 received the buzzer treatment.
Here is how I handicapped the field prior to the event.
Ancillary Audio:
Houston affiliate Sports Radio 610's Smack-Off PromoAlvin's official Smack-Off Promo
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 1
The Cablinasian makes his fourth acceptance speech
The Cablinasian discusses his win on the Houston affiliate's Nightshift with Matt and Adam
2006 RESULTS
2007
The thirteenth annual Smack-Off was held on May 4, 2007 and once again the day ended with the coronation of King Sean; the Cablinasian was crowned King of Smack for the third
consecutive year and for the fourth time in five years.
On the Wednesday leading up to the event, newcomer and "the next big thing in the Jungle"
Vic in NoCal brazenly called his shot. Perennial Smack-Off participant
and frequent flame-out Jeff in Phoenix responded.
Unfortunately Vic failed to show up on the big day. Here is how he explained the situation on his MySpace page:
I f'in tried.
I got up early, got my smack ready, started calling the 800 number at around 9:00. I wanted to be one of the first
callers, for a couple of reasons: 1. I can go with more sports smack instead of having to respond to other clones. 2. some of my takes were all about
predicting what the other clones would do that day (i.e. dan hawkins/denny green/alec baldwin resets, and sure enough, those were aplenty) 3. have more time
to work with 4. I had a Glengarry reset of my own that I thought others might try before I did. Sure enough, Greg came in with that weak (in my opinion) reset.
I thought mine was better suited for the Smackoff and it only would've taken about 30 seconds as opposed to his 5 minute rant.
I kept dialing and dialing and dialing that sh*t. Must've hit re-dial about 100-130 times. Nothing but busy signals. I sent an email to the crew at around
9:30-9:45 saying I was trying to get in but getting nothing but busy signals. At 11am I had a prior commitment that I just could not get out of, but I knew
this all along. I just figured that I would've been able to get on by then. I checked my email a little while ago and I have an email from J-Stew telling
me they're looking for me and giving me the Hotline number, he sent it at around 10:40, but I didn't see it at the time cuz I wasn't constantly refreshing
my Inbox. (If only I had that Hotline number all along goddamit, instead of sitting there like a dipsh*t dialing 1800-636-8686 hundreds of times). It was
extremely frustrating to say the least. I had some takes I'd been carrying for like 7 months cuz I didn't want to waste them on just a normal every
day call. I'd been waiting for this day a while, and that's an understatement.
I've got most of my smack for today somewhere around here, I'll see if I post it later, you guys can decide whether it would've stood a chance or not. I
think it definitely would've stood a chance if Rome valued the sports smack and one-liners more than going after other callers with clone on clone smack.
But if he values the other thing more, then I probably would've lost to at least Seanny (if not more people) cuz he definitely went heavy on clone-on-clone
(not exactly my favorite category of smack, I'd rather stick to sports and pop culture references/comedy, etc) To be honest, I don't know what he values
more but it seems like Smackoffs more and more are becoming about talking about other callers.
p.s. Jay Less - you're on my Friends list, so for all I know you're reading this. I just heard the replay of your call. I might be Mr. Wednesday, but it
beats being Mr. 1998, chief. I'll just leave it at that for now. Till we smack again....
I f'in tried, version 2.0
A few people have asked me some questions, this will probably answer most of them. Courtesy of my email to J-Stew:
Damn dude, I wish I'd gotten this number earlier.
Here's how the debacle on Friday went down man: I live with a couple of roommates. We haven't had a landline here since like January (we just use
cellphones). So I borrowed my friend's apartment for my call while she was at work. I figured I'd have a nice solid landline, no roommates around, and
I could set up my tape player loud (I was gonna play a clip). I knew I had to leave at 11 for an appointment that I just couldn't break (job thing),
but I figured I would get on by then. I didn't anticipate any trouble getting on, since I normally have no trouble during a regular day when hundreds of
people are calling.
I wanted to go early for a couple of reasons (one of them was to tell people not to come in with their Dennis Green/Dan Hawkins/Alec Baldwin resets), so I
started dialing right around 9. Nothing but busy signals after hitting Redial for like an hour. Just twice did I get an actual ring. The first time no
one picked up. The second time it sounded like it got cut off or like someone picked up and hung up. The only thing I could think of was that maybe you
guys have some kind of caller ID for each Smackoff invitee and any number not on that list gets blocked or something (But I doubted this because I've called
the show from like 5 different numbers, including the one I was using that day which I used for a call in January)
At around 9:45-10ish I called up a friend, told him to log into my hotmail, and send you guys an email saying I was having trouble getting on, and giving you
the phone number I was currently at in case that number was getting blocked or something. The thing is, the only email I had to go off was
"romey"@haveatake.com which Travis once emailed me from when I asked him a question about my Slingbox. I wasn't even sure if you guys were even gonna see
it/if you ever did see it.
I didn't even know you had sent me this email until after the Smackoff was over.
Tell Romey I'm sorry I couldn't make it in, man. Last thing I wanted to do was go Westerberg. Not after sitting on some smack I had been saving for like
7 months, not after calling in like 15 times just so I could build up some equity so I might actually have a shot at it as a rookie, not after stirring
things up on Wednesday. And not since, due to some new things I've got going on the job front, I won't have nearly the flexibility in my schedule that I
do now that lets me call in regularly.
For whatever it's worth, and in case you were curious as to what I was gonna come in with that day, here's what I was working with. It's not my actual call,
obviously, since it would be too long. But I don't have a typed call to send you, so I figured I'd just send you the extended Director's Cut, to use
an Industry term. Usually what I do is type out a wall of text (the stuff below) and from there just pick and choose with a pen and paper and write up an
outline with some notes, which is what I'm looking at when I call. So in this case I was coming in at around 5:30 in time. I basically had to cut out
all the stuff in parentheses. The Rocky Balboa stuff, the Kornheiser stuff, the Mangino stuff except for the Nacho Libre line, the Charles Barkley-Owen
Wilson stuff, the Paula Abdul-Jay Mohr stuff, left some of the Glengarry lines out (by the way, I've been sitting on that Glengarry reset for like 7 months.
When that Alec Baldwin story broke a couple weeks ago, I was like "Damn, there goes my Glengarry take!" And sure enough, I'm sitting there hitting Redial
and I hear Greg in Vegas come on, and I had to basically dump that take. Yet another reason I wanted to come in early).
Anyway, man, let me know when you've read this email, just so I know you got it.
Later
-VIC
p.s. - I know the Andrew Golotta line was probably walking that thin red line of bolivian, but it was my favorite line, maybe ever. I just couldn't quit it.
And here is the director's cut of his script:
This is Vic in NoCal, but all the fellas call me the Notorious V.I.C.
Just a couple of quick programming notes here before I dive into this: 1. I'm taking the "over" on Dennis Green, Dan Hawkins, and A-Baldwin re-sets today.
And 2. This is for my boy Gregory in Vegas, just a friendly reminder that we're still not past the statute of limitations on Darryl Stingley blasts. I know
you're itching to mix those in Greg, but don't do it bro!
{{{{Hey quick memo to Charles Barkley: " - clicking 3 empty beer bottles together - WARRIIORRRRSSS, Come out to Playyyyy!!" How do you like them Warriors
now, Chuckster, you buffoon? Sack up and give them their props. And fix that wretched golf swing of yours while you're at it, cuz that's the crookedest
thing I've seen since Owen Wilson's nose. And hey Owen, you make crazy jack, dude! Mix in a pair of pliers for God's sake!}}}}
Anyway, big props to the Warriors man. Cuz for years they've been the Los Angeles Clippers of the NBA, but now they're winning again for the first time
since John Stockton nuthuggers were considered baggy and "Fergie" referred to some fat bitch from York. {{{and "dangling chad" was just another entry in
Dick Simmons' rolodex }}}}
And hey Dirk Nowitzki, nice disappearing act. One day you're a modern day Tom Chambers, next day a modern day Allah Abdelnaby. And for those of you who
don't remember Tom Chambers, He was the guy who could do that triple-clutch two handed dunk from the 3pt-line on those old Sega Genesis games. Oh and a
quick memo to Baron Davis - Leonidas from 300 called, he wants his beard back.
Now Rome, not only does my main J-Stew have his own Wikipedia page, but his Wikipedia page has twice as much on it as the one for 80s icon Judd Nelson.
True story. So big ups to you, Stew, and never forget the words of your peer Sir Lawrence Olivier: "There are no small moles, Only small actors."
But Rome, even Stew's page is no match for everybody's favorite Wikipedia entry, "The Shocker". Which, coincidentally, is the least favorite entry of
Bill in Knoxville's livestock for some reason. Back away from the bovine, Bill. That's not what Old Doris signed up for. Oh, and before I forget,
Bill: Your boss from the 5-Minute Room Club called, he needs you to pull a double shift tonight.
Anyway, back to The Shocker really quick. You know how Texas Longhorn Fan does that whole Hook em Horns thing? And out here in Cali, the USC Lifestyles
Errrr Trojans, they put up that "V", right? For "venereal disease". Well it turns out that Wichita St. Fan has adopted as his little hand signal the
...uh...how should I put this...the "finger configuration" for THE SHOCKER. That's right, man. Cuz their team is called The Shockers. Waaaay to go you
clever little Wichitards! Seriously Rome, can you imagine what these idiots would come up with if their team was called The Birds?
Anyway, let's continue on this little tour of the great state of Kansastucky. If you look over to your right you will see one of the state's biggest
attractions. Jungle legend BF Mangino. BOTH of him!! Holy Double Whopper, Romey. My man looks like Nacho Libre ate Suge Knight and chased it with
Travis Rodgers' front porch.
{{{{For Pete's sake, somebody get this guy some low-glycemic carbs, Stat! And while you're at it, get him a scale that can display weight not just in
kilograms, but in scientific notation. I hear he tried to change the logos on his team's helmets from KU to KFC-U. Hey Coach, the good folks at the
all-you-can-eat buffet called; they want their bottom line back! I mean come on Rome, I hear that supposedly when he met McGruff, Mangino didn't just
take a "bite" out of CRIME, he ATE the whole damn thing! Hell, I think he even ate McGruff himself, man. I mean, now that I think of it, I haven't seen
the old Crime Dog in a while. But hey, let's be fair here. CRIME is only a 5-letter word. And my man's hungry, OK? Which is why I think that for his
next project, Mangino should consider taking a bite out of "corporate malfeasance and stock option back-dating". That'll keep him busy for a while}}}
{{{{Let's talk about other things that are unpleasant to the eyes, namely one Anthony Kornheiser, and specifically, Kornheiser's combover. Hey listen,
I know the guy can't control his baldness, but for God's sake combovers are just utterly unacceptable! Hey Kornholer, we're living in a SOCIETY here,
pal! But here's what you can do - Go over to the NFL Countdown studio, walk up to Chris Berman, and ask him if you can borrow one of those sea otter
carcasses he's been known to staple to his head. Or at the very least, bust off a call to that one dude who's "Not only the president, but also a
client." And no, I don't mean Charlie Sheen and his Southern California Hookers Cooperative. Even though SCHC does do great work for self-employed
models all across the greater Los Angeles area.}}}}
{{{{Get it taken care of, Kornheiser. Because I need to see that thing on my screen every Monday Night like I need to see that new ROCKY movie. Now Rome,
I know you had Jerry Jones Stallone on the show and you were down with him, but come on, Rocky Balboa was a washed up heavyweight back in 1984 dude! He's
been playing the "I've got one more left in me" card for like 25 years now. What the hell happens in this new movie anyway? I mean does the ghost of Mick
visit Rocky in the middle of the night and tell him not to fight Tarver? "He'll hoit you poimenantly kid! Poimenantly! He'll knock the Botox out ya
face!!" Come on, Stallone. What the hell's your next project gonna be? Cobra 2? Tango and Cash 4? Stop Or My Dad Will Shoot? And I'm a huge boxing
fan, but the Contender just flat out sucks! So go the hell away, Stallone, and take your stretched face and your HGH and your pectoral implants and your
Contenders and your Rockys and your Rambos and your Red Sonjas with you. Alright, Lincoln Hawk? Just flip your lid around and go find some Cro Magnon
freak who chugs Valvoline and the two of you can just arm wrestle each other all day. }}}}
{{{{Really quick here before I wrap this up, I've got a question for wannabe First-Class traveler Paula Abdul: I'd like some information, please. Straight
up now tell me: Do you want peanuts or pretzels? Cuz that's all you're gonna get on that Greyhound of the Skies, Laker Girl. I don't care WHO you think
you are. Check yourself, Paula. JAY MOHR thinks you're D-List at best. And speaking of good ol' Jay Less, how funny was it when he called in yesterday
with yet another one of his stupid little played out impressions, and Pryzienski had absolutely no idea who he was? I think the phrase was, and I quote,
"I don't know who that was, but that was pretty good". That's right, Jay Less. Anonymity 1, You zero. SCOREBOARD Anonymity}}}}
Anyway, because I called my shot the other day, I'm sure many are expecting me to say something arrogant today like "This is gonna be easier than beating
Michael J. Fox at Operation." But the fact is, I'm actually a humble guy. I know that if I have seen as far as I have seen in this here Jungle, it's
because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. Giants like Kerwin, Bobby in Brooklyn, and Jim in Fall River's donkey. So in that spirit, I'm not
gonna crack on any so-called Legends today. I mean, I could, right? I could easily talk about Rutger Hauer in Houston ERRrr Rutger Hauer in Houston. I
could tell Beavis on a car phone in Phoenix that his takes are so horrific, MARLEE MATLIN covers her ears when he calls. I could say that Joe in the OC
sounds like Andrew Golotta just Foul-Poled his testicles all the way back into his larynx (I was probably gonna go with "he makes Armando Salguero sound
macho" instead , just to avoid the thin line of blasphemy. I hadn't decided yet). I could tell Iafrate that he's just Millhouse from the Simpsons on
steroids. And of course, I could drop smack on that scared coward Seanny the Asterisk until he loved me.
But I'm not gonna do all that. Because at least these guys deserve credit for making the Smackoff today. Which is more than I can say for those pathetic
weaklings who call you up two weeks before the Smackoff in some last ditch attempt at getting an invite. OK? I've got a message for you people. Are
they all listening, Romey?...Well, I'm going anyway. 'Cause you're talking about what, you're talking about some call screener won't put you through,
bitching about that buzzer that got dropped on you, the Host won't give you a Smackoff bid, so forth...Let's talk about something important! Put that phone
down!! The Smackoff is for CLOSERS!! And the good news is, none of you morons made the field today. The bad news is, you've got, all of you've got, one
year to play your way back in, starting with next week's calls. And first prize is...A Smackoff invite. Second prize is...You're Otis in Austin. Third
prize is...You're Flamian. Now you have an 800 number. Jim & Travis paid good money for it. If you can't earn your way in, if your smack is crap, then
YOU ARE CRAP - Hit The Brick's show pal, because you are wanting. I can go out there, same number you have, get myself 15 Huge Calls. In one year! THAT'S
my name! H-T-D. H: Have a, T: Take, D: Don't suck. Have a Take Don't suck, Have a Take Don't suck. Go and do likewise, gents...You got that, you rude
thoughtless little pigs?
WAR HBO's The Wire
WAR Peppermint Pat Summitt
WAR Peace
And WAR Marty's Mix-Tape, which he's been so lovingly and diligently crafting for you, and which I happen to have a copy of because apparently Premiere
has been returning all of Marty's packages, so he sent me the Mix in the mail and asked me to play it for you today. And keep in mind, I haven't heard
this myself, so I'm curious as all of you. Anyway, without further ado, I give you all Marty's Mix Tape to Rome, Track 1: (Cue tape of "I don't want
anybody else, when I think about you I touch myself" by The Divinyls)
Here is how I handicapped the field prior to the event.
Ancillary Audio:
Houston affiliate Sports Radio 610's Smack-Off PromoAlvin's official Smack-Off Promo
Rome breaks down the top 10 thru 1
The Cablinasian on his fifth championship
2007 RESULTS
2008
The fourteenth annual Smack-Off will be held on April 25, 2008. Defending champion Sean the Cablinasian has been
ruled ineligible.
Check out my blog for odds and other information leading up to the event.